So, for day 2 of my eating mindfully journal (day 2 was actually yesterday, I'm just lazy) I was supposed to sit in a calm place without distractions while eating a meal in silence. The point of this was to learn eating awareness like knowing my emotions as I ate, and knowing how much I ate compared to how much I needed to.
Well, I have already failed the book, because I did not really do this.
I learned that I really only enjoy eating when I'm watching something on TV, reading, or playing my 3DS. This is because when I'm home I usually eat by myself, because I'm the only one home during the day and since I am a vegetarian I eat a separate meal from my parents. Plus, I'll be honest, I don't like eating with them because my dad insists upon watching Fox News, which I can't stand. So, to keep myself entertained while eating, I'll watch TV. I thought of doing this exercise, but I simply really did not want to. Maybe my taking a stand showed me how much I depend on distractions while I eat. I know it's bad, because then when I watch TV or a movie, I feel like I have to be eating even when I'm not hungry. So, maybe I did not sit in a calm place and think, because it would be less fun for me and TV helps me relax. Either way I think it showed me how much I depend on other things to keep me occupied while I eat. Is this a bad kind of addiction? Probably.
But, I do have to level with you here, judgmental journal. I am 20 years old, 5'7" and ~163 lbs. I am not overweight by today's standards. However, I still feel like I am too big, and I would like to slim down. For a few months, I skipped meals and pretended to eat. I lost 10 lbs in the process and was skinnier than I had been since junior high for christ sake. I then decided it was okay to eat unhealthy for a little while, which I know is the dieting fallacy, because I couldn't stop eating junk food once I started. In fact, I really felt like I was binge eating, and eating so much sometimes that it hurt. But, it wasn't to the point of bulimia or anything; I actually have a phobia of vomiting ever since I was hospitalized for norovirus earlier this year. Still, I know that this is the wrong way to go about things. Whatever it is, I do have an unhealthy relationship with food, but I think it goes deeper than enjoying a veggie burger during 30 Rock.